I've been avoiding this and I don't know why. I mean, sure, I've been busy. At work, we launched something really huge. You may have heard about it. I hope you've heard about it. I worked 14 and 15 hour days and spent every minute actually doing something. No daydreaming. No blank stares. No lengthy breakfast trips to the company cafeteria. And now I'm feeling spent.
I'm at the Cape, reunited with my bike, back in the house I love. I swam out into the middle of the pond. I hung out on the beach at night while our friends set off illegal fireworks. I watched the tide come in. I called my new friend to say hello, and in a sincere, non-Ricky-Ricardo-like way he said, "Honey, you're home." And I thought how this is true, and how sweet it is that he knows it of me.
(I'm feeling really listy. And listless. Ironically.)
I'm not sure why I don't feel totally at ease, why I can't fully relax. And that is a total lie. I know why. I know every last bit of why.
I have a great opportunity and it's freaking me out. I have basically committed the next three years of my life away. When I decided I wanted to do this, I was unemployed. I had no prospects. There were no jobs that sounded remotely interesting.
Now, there are a ton of jobs. For example, my boss asked me to commit to her through January, when my program starts. Another group I interviewed with for a full-time position was thrilled to hear that I'm now available for freelance work. And thirdly and maybe most importantly, my new friend is going to be staffing up soon, and wants to hire me. And I want to be hired by him. The work that they have coming up is exactly, precisely what I have been looking for for the past two plus years. It's what I do.
And now I think, am I crazy? Going back to school to become something I'm not sure I want to be? Somehow I never realized that I already had a career, and that, when I think about, it was one I actually liked.
I have no right to complain, because I'm really lucky. I don't really even mean it as a complaint. It's more just that I'm freaking the fuck out because I need another ten years, I need another shot at my twenties. I'm not sure what happened to mine. I'm not sure where mine went.
I'm at the Cape and it's a beautiful day. There's a strong-minded breeze, and when the curtains billow I get a glimpse of how the sky is so blue.
