it's 4am. insomnia is good for my blog. it's been a long time since i've been up like this, awake in the night, surfing and searching and wanting to pop. it's been a long time and i have been here all my life.
i'm to be married, you'll know by now. the ring on my hand weighs ten pounds. i twist it every chance i get, twist it and pull it on and off. i must see that it is easily removed, or i get a bit claustrophobic with it. in the mornings, when my fingers are swelled up with the night, this is the hardest time.
i don't know my hand now. i don't know what to do with it, where to hold it, in a contsant state of flaunting or hiding. it looks like a mom hand, my fingers suddenly long and lean. he didn't know my size and neither did i. i have never worn a ring.
it turns out i am the average. it turns out that average is a perfect fit. it sparkles even in the dark, and i never knew i'd find such pleasure in such things.
i don't know how to be engaged. i don't know how to get married. it's not the being together that is the problem... this i can do. being part of this couple -- i have somehow never been quite as equipped for anything. and with the ring came the surety. it was the grand big gesture. it wasn't my doing, and i didn't ask for it, and that made it all of the things i needed it to be.
i'd marry b tonight without a second's thought. i'd wake him from his slumber, i'd drag him to an all-night chapel in the country. i'd fly to vegas. i'd knock off work and visit city hall. he's the one for me, and that's it, and i'm loving that more with every day. my imagination is a better place, and i'm not going to suffer for it anymore.
why is it so hard to be happy? why is it something we must learn? each day it gets easier, each day i remind myself. i can be everything still, and that is the best part of all.
the impending wedding, however, is the worst part of life right now. there is no joy in it for me. i do not know where, i do not know when, i cannot figure out how many. the idea of getting all dolled up in a white dress, of walking down some grassy aisle with my father's phantom and a hundred eyes on me, the cake eating and thank you note writing and disco dancing -- all of it eludes me. i really don't get it. i don't want it, and no one hears me, no one understands.
i just want a moment to ourselves. i want some quiet and some reverence. i want not to feel crushed by details.
do what makes you happy, people say, but that is not an end statement. it is a prelude to telling me what they want. do what makes you happy, but do what makes me happy and i'm sure you'll like it too. that would be more honest.
i want it to happen now and i want our lives to begin. i'm tired of hurdles. i've had enough of those and i'm ready for clear paths and free sailing.
he's there in the bed now, dreaming, relieved to finally sleep. the cat woke us up, again and again, excited about something we'll never understand. i'll join him soon, and i hope the sleep will be as peaceful, and will come as quick.
