last night i had a dream. i was riding in my boss' car. we were on a curvy lakeside road which wound its way in and out of the woods, like the taconic but with more trees and more water. these fighter planes passed overhead, flying extremely low. "did you see that? i've never seen war planes so low." they were painted funny colors, primary colors... exactly what you'd not expect from a fighter plane. plus they were all flat and shaped like square sting rays.
just then we heard a crash. i looked back and one of the planes had hit a tree. the explosion came towards us as it would in a bruce willis movie. my boss stepped on the gas. "holy shit! that was close," he said. i thought we were going to die, but after taking stock for a few minutes, i realized we'd be fine. "i guess this is what it means to be at war," i said.
we made it back to work, which took place in a school. my elementary school. my high school english teacher was there and everything. he didn't approve of my corporate job, and he and the other teachers often came by our office to tell us how much we were ruining their students' lives. we thought we were helping them. the school was sponsored by (famous kids company), and with this came millions of dollars in new computer equipment. so what if we watched how they used it? we wanted to know. the computer lab was laid out like a maternity ward, showcase window and all.
i cornered my boss about a meeting i'd been trying to have with him for two weeks. he took a phone call. it was clearly bad news. his face got all twisted and he started to cry. i pantomimed "want me to leave?" and he motioned back "no, no, just give me a minute." he hung up the phone and tried to regain his composure. he still had tears in his eyes.
"so," he began, "i want you to lay in on me."
"i'm sorry?"
"let me have it. really. i know you have some complaints. i want to hear your worst. i want to hear everything bad about this job, about me. it will be constructive."
i agreed to go think about it and get back to him, but i had no idea what i'd say. i went to the (famous kids company) lab and watched the children check their email.
***
today i had a meeting with my boss that i'd been trying to have for two weeks.
"so," i began, "i've been wondering what you're thinking for my position."
we agreed that i fit in well there. we agreed to give me the job, in a long-term, paid vacations kind of way. we left the room smiling.
now i'm awake, thinking about this dream, about the weird timing and the obvious significance. maybe i'm just a huge sell out. maybe things like buying apartments and having babies mean so much to me that my judgement is clouded. or maybe it isn't.
i've always gone by what feels right, and this just does. it buys me nine months. if school works out, great, i'll quit my job. ("no hard feelings," my boss offered in advance.) if work works out, great, i'll find a way to stay. ("maybe this will go so well that you won't need school.") whatever the case, i don't have to choose. having and eating cake both. for now.
if only i could dispel the gaspy, trapped-under-rubble-full, 5am wake-ups, things would be near perfect. baby steps.